In my work I have come to realize this core truth, of a man’s inherent desire to serve his woman. He wants nothing more than to give her what she wants and needs, in every aspect, and especially in the bedroom. When a man feels it is true that he is rocking is woman’s world in the bedroom and beyond, it affirms to him that he is a real man, and from this place he is able to receive deep personal satisfaction and use it as a source of regenerative energy which helps fuel the rest of his life, outside the relationship.
Though this pure desire is there, men are confronted with layers upon layers of conditioning which drastically impede their ability to fulfill this intention (for himself and for the woman desiring him). Some of these layers that we will examine here together are men’s education in how to serve a woman, men’s ego regarding their sexual abilities, and communication and emotional skill sets.
Men, be aware that you have been brain-washed, culturally and pornographically. What you have learned from porn is not the reality of what good sex is for women. Be aware that it’s most likely that the women you have been with have not been totally honest with you about your love making skills. Be aware that in porn, those women are being paid to make it look like they are loving the sex. And the porn is typically geared towards men’s pleasure rather than a woman’s.
For the most part, strictly genital, goal focused, mechanical sexual pleasure greatly misses the boat. Now I’m not saying here that there’s anything wrong with that kind of sex. I think there’s a time and a place for all kinds of sex to happen. What I am speaking to here is the over all flavor of the long term sexual history.
Why? What is missing in porn, and what often gets over-looked in romantic couplings? True authentic loving connection, foreplay, sensuality, creativity, romance, play, deep energetic presence during intercourse – you know, the kind where almost where no movement is even needed for the couple to climax in deep ecstatic bliss together (and if you don’t know, then be aware, and maybe even excited, to know that there is so much more than what you think you know).
Men, be open to the idea that you are a student and let yourself be taught. Read books, watch videos, take courses, and most essentially – simply create open and honest communication with your partner about your sex together. Ask how you can be an even better lover to her than ever before. Be curious about your own sexual self and explore different aspects of it with your partner. Do some investigation, experiment, play, put time and effort into learning new skills. Why not?! This is the most fun kind of homework you can give yourself, right?
Men, I know that at your core you want nothing more than to serve and please your woman, and for her to feel like you rock her world fully, and that she can totally trust and rely on you to take care of her. Be aware that you are up against thousands of years of conditioning to unravel in order to accurately do so. Your relationship is your loving reflection, teacher, and guide on that journey. Make use of it and take advantage of the opportunity to grow and develop in this way.
In order to do so you must open to the idea that you don’t know everything about being the greatest lover in the world, that you aren’t the grand master of all pussy’s roaming the Earth. Just because a way you touched, kissed, licked, sucked, or fucked one woman in the past in a way that seemed to work, don’t just assume that’s how all women’s bodies and desires work. Don’t get stuck on repeating the same climax inducing technique for all sexy time between you and your woman either. Yes, good job if you found something to make her come, but don’t stop there, keep it in your back pocket and continue to explore other ways to satisfy her. Routine sex that leads to climaxing is still routine, and over time that move that was once so off the charts orgasmic will become flat.
Be open, be curious, be vulnerable. It’s better to say “I don’t know, show me”, rather than try to ‘fake it til you make it’. Men, be present, patient, curious. Listen, ask questions, listen, ask questions, listen, ask questions. Encourage your woman to use her voice and guide you. Make it so clear that you want nothing more than to make her come all over you while she quivers in orgasmic pleasure, and that you are hanging on her every word to guide you into giving this to her.
Men are heavily identified with the ways they think they know are true about what it means to be a good lover. Take this moment here to re-read this, pause, and truly let that sink in. Contemplate this for a second and consider if this is applicable to you, before instantly rejecting it.
They have watched and studied from porn movies about what women want in sex, and they have mainly or totally only experienced women who conform to that porn-prescribed image. One of the ways women have been conditioned in sex, is that even in the moments where she is being given to, she will give up herself (her needs and desires) for the pleasure and confidence boost she can give to the man by her (mostly exaggerated) response to his love making. Women are great at faking/exaggerating pleasure and orgasms, all which only misleadingly confirms for him that he knows all there is to know about how to do sex in the best ways.
I hear from some men, either from clients, or in personal experience, or in what my friends share with me about their men, a desire to go deeper beyond what they know in sex. Yet it is often quickly backed up with a resistance to go beyond what they already know, to learn more, and make the effort to widen the horizons. And why is this? Because when it comes down to it, even with a deeper desire to expand in this way, when it comes time for sex, they just want it how they want it and they don’t want to put the extra effort, attention, and patience into it. On one level I think this comes from simply being tired from life’s demands and just wanting to get their basic sexual needs met. On another level though I feel they are battling with their ego, which tells them that they already know what they need to know.
Women – As women, it is up to us to truly, compassionately, lovingly reflect to our men the quality of their presence and performance in love making. Know that (for the most part) a man wants nothing more than to serve and please his woman fully and completely. Know that there may be some resistance at first when there is new learning cracking open. Be aware when it is a time to try something new and when is it a time to enjoy what is already known (your indicator here will be the energy level of your partner. If he is tired, it’s probably not the best time to push him to his edges, and rather it’s more of a time to enjoy what is known and comfortable between you). Make a special date to bring new learning into the mix, so each person can plan to be available and energetic and present and patient for the experience.
Men, in order to grow in this way, you must be open, vulnerable, curious, available, brave, honest, patient, and able to receive feedback. Where do you feel you want to develop more in your sex with your partner? Tell her your desires to develop more in these ways, and propose to make sexy time play dates, that are solely focused on you two trying new things together. Maybe take turns, where one time you lead in doing something new, and then the next time she leads in doing something that’s new and edgy for her. My own personal tip here – invest in a massage table. Yes, this will greatly increase the sensual aspect of your relationship by a lot. Trust me. Just get one, and go from there.
Men, use your voice – you have to guide her in how you want to be sexed by her. Your preferences can even change from one day to the next, in fact, they likely will, because every day our energy is different, what we want and need moment to moment changes. Get accustomed to vocalizing your preferences each time in a way that is warm, inviting, loving, gentle, clear. Make it fun! Your sex life and your love is worth the effort, it’s worth pushing through whatever layers of discomfort are present in simply talking with your woman about your sex. Ask her what works and doesn’t work for her. Gently and lovingly encourage her to be honest with you. Remember that at the core of your asking her, is your desire to truly serve her in this way, so be gentle and patient with yourself no matter what she reveals to you.
There’s no way around this communication piece. Avoidance will seem buy you time, yet slowly over time it will build a wall between you and your partner, until eventually it will be so immense that you can’t see your way around it, and there’s no reaching the person on the other side of it. Why as a culture are we so afraid to talk about our sex with our partner? Why do we feel so much shame and guilt for having desires and needs, and around our ability to express them? How would it be if we met these conversations with simple curiosity and innocence?
Here’s the chain reaction: the voice shuts down – the heart shuts down – the confidence shuts down – the arousal shuts down – the genitals shut down.
This personal work and exploration is paramount at this time in our world, where we have the cultural rise of feminine power, a tempering of the masculine, and a sexual evolution budding up more and more; and I believe, soon to be making its way into the mainstream. It’s ‘the last frontier’, in a sense, of the holistic/spiritual/empowerment movement sweeping our world. I believe it’s so crucial to the state of health in our culture. Think about it – if we can’t even communicate with our lover about the sex we are having (the most personal and intimate act we are able to experience with another human), how does that reflect in how we move about the world in generally mundane respects? I believe that the degree of strength it takes to be vulnerable, patient, gentle, loving, compassionate, and open, to have these kinds of communications is the kind of strength that is going to help us transform this world for the better, so that we can bring that same kind of strength in our communications to other relationships, business, and even political affairs. And even beyond the ways I feel it impacts the world at large, it’s just way more fun to have great sex with your lover, and to keep it an evolving project together. So for fuck’s sake, have fun with it and enjoy your life my friends!