The Anatomy of Initmacy


The way to a woman’s body, is through her heart.  The way to a man’s heart, is through his body.  (This is a generalization, of course)

I am going to speak in this article within the frame of heterosexual partnerships, where the woman is closed in her availability to give herself sexually to her man.  Though perhaps this information can be useful in other contexts as well to people in various relationship orientations, or from the view of a woman whose man is not opening to her.

I invite you to take in the essence of what is said here and if it can be helpful to you in any way, then mission accomplished.

The Anatomy of Intimacy

It is like a flower, with delicate and delightful layers.  Outer petals leading into the center point of physicality where everything is joined together in a cohesive foundation.  In this article, we are going to address the outer layers of the flower here together, as these are highly missed by the awareness within our sex culture in the world, yet are essential layers for true and sustained physical intimacy to thrive.

My hope in sharing this is that it supports couples in how to keep the spark of romance and connection alive in the partnership.

The Most Outer Petals of the Flower of Love

News flash – Foreplay begins outside the bedroom for women.  Please pause and take that in for a second.

Foreplay, for a woman, includes all of the ways the couple moves together through the daily life activities, and moves through the world together.  All the simple moment to moment experiences of connecting and considering each other.  They are giving her drops, streams, or floods of sensual and emotional nectar into her well of sexual energy.

It is communicating to her that she is safe, secure, and considered in this connection.  It’s telling her that he cares about her, and wants to be helpful and supportive.  This layer of intimacy is one that often dwindles or gets overlooked as a relationship progresses in time.

The Middle Layer Petals of the Flower of Love

Here’s the juicy honey spot of this article. Please take this in, and re-read it at least 2x to get yourself connected to this information and then put it into delightful loving practice.

Energetic fluffing – all ways of sharing intimacy that includes clothes on, and is sensual yet not directly sexual in nature.  This layer is essential for women’s longevity of sexual energy and replenishment of it in her body (physically and energetically), to fill her well so she can then give from a place of overflowing juicy goodness. Umm, yes please!

If a woman is not opening up in her heart and body, I suggest that the man go back to nourishing the energetic aspect of the connection.  This affectionate attention communicates to the woman about the quality of safety, security, care, and love that she has available to receive from her man.

(Psssst!) By the way – Get a massage table!  This investment will greatly (for many) increase the quality and quantity of your sensuality, which will likely transfer over well into the sexual connection.  You can have sex on it in other positions that are fun and are a bit harder to do on a bed.

It also adds variety as another designated place for sexy time, rather than it always being confined to just the bed.  They fold up and store easily, and you can buy online for about $100 and have it delivered to your door.

Be patient, curious, and creative.  It may take time for her sense of connection to rebuild, and for her to know and feel that her man is really there for her in the ways she needs, in order for her to feel connected and want to open to him.

Guys, I want to gently let you know – if your woman is not giving herself sexually to you, it’s most likely that is because you haven’t given to her in the ways she truly needs (in a long time, these ‘middle layer petals of intimacy’).  Her well of sexual energy may have been dried up for a while, for one reason or another; often due to life and/or relationship stresses.

There is a general conditioned sexual dynamic in relationships that I think we are in process of transforming at this time.  It’s the men not knowing how to truly give in the ways women need, along with women not knowing how to communicate about it.

Many women don’t know what their needs and desires are, or have a vocabulary to describe it.  If they do, they often are confronted by men not knowing how to listen and follow requests she makes. Often, so much boils down to communication, and the great lack of skill in it that many couples are struggling with.

To create the remedy, focus on other levels of intimacy that don’t strictly involve being naked, kissing, breasts, and genitals.  Think back to when you first met, before you made love for the 1st time.  Recall the ways you were affectionate then, to give you ideas about what can work in this realm of intimacy.

Bring these ways to the forefront, maybe for a while, as long as it takes for your woman to start to feel a desire to open more to you.

Some examples of ‘energetic fluffing’ are:

Gentle petting strokes on her back, belly, hips

Massage – get a massage table!!

Playing with her hair

Meditate together

Gently caressing her face

Eye gazing

Opening communication about your love and intimacy, sharing desires and needs, acknowledging each other for ways that you feel supported and considered

The book titled “The 5 Love Languages”, by Gary Chapman, is an excellent resource:

  • Words of affection
  • Touch
  • Gifts
  • Acts of service
  • Quality time

Make the effort, it is disempowering to tell yourself that there is no time in the day to share love with your beloved.  Create a more appealing and supportive love story for you two to enjoy and be nourished by.  Everyone has at least 5 mins at the end of every day.  Start there.  Just lay down and hold each other, and share about your day and how you’re feeling, or what’s truly going on for you.

Your communication is a major key to greater intimacy.  I cannot say this enough. I do a lot of relationship counseling in my work, and across the board, when I ask my clients what their partner says when they brings up a topic of concern, I get told they don’t talk about it.  How can you expect to go deeper when you aren’t even talking about the issues at hand?

Effort is needed to change the quality of intimacy in your relationship.  It’s like an art project co-created between people’s love.  It’s an act of creation.  If there’s no effort to keep it progressing, it just ends up being a pile of junk in the corner, collecting dust.  The good thing is you can always blow the dust off, reset your creative platform and continue developing your project.

Though, it is not enough for just 1 person in the game to play.  Both need to be on deck for the ship to sail and enjoy the journey together.

Men – Please hear me on this!!  Don’t do all of this strictly with the goal in mind to get your beloved to open to you sexually.  Don’t try something once or twice, and then think the green light is on and you should make your move to take it further.  Develop a higher level of maturity, please, and give to her simply from the desire to give without any expectation for a return.  Give to her because you want to support her and make her feel good.

Women need to feel this quality of giving from our men.  All women have had, or are having an experience of her man, always giving from a place of expecting to be given to in return.  This must change. I cannot say this enough.

If you care about the longevity of your connection, you will use this as an opportunity to practice this higher form of giving, and your relationship will blossom from it in many ways and create sustainable intimacy for you both.

Once these outer petals of love have been delighted in, in wonderfully nourishing ways, then proceed to the center of the flower where the energy of intimate creation can dance in the physicality of bodies.  There are many resources available on this topic, if you are searching.  One that I can recommend is “The Art of Sexual Ecstasy” by Margo Anand.

Hopefully this article is useful information or inspiration for couples to know and practice in their connection, to whatever degree and in whatever flavor works for them.

And so, the flower blossoms and fills the room with a decadent fragrance, colors, and textures to captivate the senses.  Cheers to your sweet precious love, you are a warrior of loving light on it’s path of awakening!

Excerpts below are from “The Book of Courtesans”, by Susan Griffin, for your inspiration:

“Carnal Knowledge…  The realm of sexual pleasure is also the realm of the psyche.  To loved or be loved, to touch, be touched, feel pleasure, passion, ecstasy, to surrender and release engages every human faculty, not sensual adroitness alone but intelligence of every kind.

As well as being able to give pleasure, a good lover must be sensitive and aware, registering what kind of touch, for instance, on which part of the body arouses desire, knowing which mood calls for a robust approach, which moment requires gentleness, able to laugh or tease while at the same time probing both the mind and body of the loved one.”

“The desire to give pleasure is, however, not the only motive.  The deepest ardor of the lover is the desire to know the beloved: to test, feel, see, taste, smell, witness every response, every shade of sensation… In recognizing even the subtlest desires of the beloved or in answering these desires with a delicate precision, the lover is providing a mirror for what the beloved feels.

The beloved feels known, even ravished by this intense reflection.  And in turn the one who is loved feels an echoing need to know, because being a lover as well as being the beloved, the desire is to please by knowledge… The urge to consume knowledge can be consuming in itself.

Though in an afternoon of lovemaking desire may arc and come to fruition, the desire to know is inexhaustible.  The wish is for an impossible thoroughness, a complete union between the knower and the known.”

Here are two more blogs I’ve written that are complimentary to this one that you may also enjoy:

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