In my work I have come to realize this core truth – of a man’s inherent desire to serve his woman and make her happy. He wants nothing more than to give her what she wants and needs, in every aspect, and especially in the bedroom.
When a man feels that he is rocking his woman’s world in the bedroom and beyond, it affirms to him that he is a real man. From this place he is able to receive deep personal satisfaction, and use it as a source of regenerative energy which helps fuel the rest of his life, outside the relationship.
Though this pure desire is there, men are also confronted with layers upon layers of conditioning, which drastically impedes their ability to fulfill this intention. Some of these layers that we will examine here together are men’s education in how to serve a woman, men’s ego regarding their sexual abilities, along with communication and emotional skill sets.
Men, be aware that you have been brain-washed, culturally and pornographically. What you have learned from porn is not the reality of what good sex is for women. Be aware that in porn, those women are being paid to make it look like they are loving the sex. And the porn is typically geared towards men’s pleasure rather than a woman’s.
For the most part, a pattern of strictly genital, goal focused, mechanical sexual pleasure greatly misses the boat, for fulfilling a woman’s desire. Now I’m not saying here that there’s anything wrong with that kind of sex. I think there’s a time and a place for all kinds of sex to happen. What I am speaking to here is the over all flavor of the long term sexual history.
Men, be open to the idea that you are a student of her body and her pleasure, and let yourself be taught. If you’re needing guidance, make her feel safe to express her needs and desires to you. Read books, watch videos, take courses, and most essentially – simply create open and honest communication with your partner about your sex together.
Ask how you can be an even better lover to her than ever before. Be curious about your own sexuality, and explore different aspects of it with your partner. Do some investigation, experiment, play, put time and effort into learning new skills. Why not?! This is the most fun kind of homework you can give yourself, right?
Men, I know that at your core you want nothing more than to serve and please your woman. I know you want her to feel like you rock her world fully, and that she can totally trust and rely on you to take care of her. Be aware that you are up against thousands of years of conditioning to unravel in order to accurately do so.
Be aware that your woman is up against as much conditioning to ignore her needs and desires, and it may take time for her to learn how to express them effectively. Your relationship is your loving reflection, teacher, and guide on that journey for you both to grow, heal, and transform.
Be open, curious, vulnerable, patient. It’s better to say “I don’t know, show me”, rather than try to ‘fake it til you make it’. Listen, ask questions, listen, ask questions, listen, ask questions. Encourage your woman to use her voice and guide you.
Make it so clear that you want nothing more than to make her come all over you while she quivers in orgasmic pleasure, and that you are hanging on her every word to guide you into giving this to her.
Many men are heavily identified with the idea that they are a good lover.
One of the ways women have been conditioned in sex, is that even in the moments where she is being given to, she will give up herself (her needs and desires) for the pleasure and confidence boost she can give to the man by her (mostly exaggerated) response to his love making.
Women are great at faking/exaggerating pleasure and orgasms, all which only misleadingly confirms for the man that he knows all there is to know about how to do sex in the best ways.
I hear from some men, either from clients, or in personal experience, or in what my friends share with me about their men, a desire to go deeper beyond what they know in sex. Yet it is often quickly backed up with a resistance to go beyond what they already know, to learn more, and make the effort to widen the horizons. And why is this?
When it comes down to it, even with a deeper desire to expand in this way, when it comes time for sex, they just want it how they want it and they don’t want to put the extra effort, attention, and patience into it.
On one level I think this comes from simply being tired from life’s demands and just wanting to get their basic sexual needs met. On another level though I feel they are battling with their ego, which tells them that they already know what they need to know.
Women – As women, it is up to us to truly, compassionately, lovingly reflect to our men the quality of their presence and performance with us in love-making. Know that (for the most part) a man wants nothing more than to serve and please his woman fully and completely. Know that there may be some resistance at first when there is new learning cracking open.
Be aware when it is a time to try something new and when is it a time to enjoy what is already known (your indicator here will be the energy or stress level of your partner. If he is stressed or tired, it’s probably not the best time to push him to his edges, and rather it’s more of a time to enjoy what is known and comfortable between you).
Make a special date to bring new learning into the mix, so each person can plan to be available and energetic and present and patient for the experience.
Men, in order to grow in this way, you must be open, vulnerable, curious, available, brave, honest, patient, and able to receive feedback. Where do you feel you want to develop more in your sex with your partner? Tell her your desires to develop more in these ways, and propose to make sexy time play dates, that are solely focused on you two trying new things together.
Maybe take turns, where one time you lead in doing something new, and then the next time she leads in doing something that’s new and edgy for her. My own personal tip here – invest in a massage table. Yes, this will greatly increase the sensual aspect of your relationship by a lot. Trust me. Just get one, and go from there.
Men, use your voice – you have to guide her in how you want to be sexed by her. Your preferences can even change from one day to the next, in fact, they likely will, because every day our energy is different. What we want and need moment to moment changes. Get accustomed to vocalizing your preferences each time in a way that is warm, inviting, loving, gentle, clear.
Make it fun! Your sex life and your love is worth the effort, it’s worth pushing through whatever layers of discomfort are present in simply talking with your woman about your sex. Ask her what works and doesn’t work for her.
Gently and lovingly encourage her to be honest with you. Remember that at the core of your asking her, is your desire to truly serve her in this way, so be gentle and patient with yourself no matter what she reveals to you.
There’s no way around this communication piece. Avoidance will seem buy you time, yet slowly over time it will build a wall between you and your partner. Eventually, it will be so immense that you can’t see your way around it, and there’s no reaching the person on the other side of it.
Why as a culture are we so afraid to talk about our sex with our partner? Why do we feel so much shame and guilt for having desires and needs, and around our ability to express them? How would it be if we met these conversations with simple curiosity and innocence?
Here’s the chain reaction: the voice shuts down – the heart shuts down – the confidence shuts down – the arousal shuts down – the genitals shut down.
This personal work and exploration is paramount at this time in our world, where we have the cultural rise of feminine power, a tempering of the masculine, and a sexual evolution budding up more and more.
I believe this evolution will eventually be making its way into the mainstream culture. It’s ‘the last frontier’, in a sense, of the holistic/spiritual/empowerment movement sweeping our world.
I believe it’s so crucial to the state of health in our culture. Think about it – if we can’t even communicate with our lover about the sex we are having (the most personal and intimate act we are able to experience with another human), how does that reflect in how we move about the world in generally mundane respects?
I believe that the degree of strength it takes to be vulnerable, patient, gentle, loving, compassionate, and open in these kinds of communications is the kind of strength that is going to help us transform this world for the better.
We can bring that same kind of strength in our communications to other relationships, business, and even political affairs. And even beyond the ways I feel it impacts the world at large, it’s just way more fun to have great sex with your lover, and to keep it an evolving project together. So for fuck’s sake, have fun with it and enjoy your life my friends!
Here’s two more blogs I’ve written that are complimentary to this one that you may also enjoy:
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