The worlds general ‘bedroom culture’ of today is a conditioned product of over thousands of years, which greatly contributes to the degeneration of love and relationships between couples, because it ultimately leaves the relationship unfulfilled and at least one person, if not both, feeling resentful and disappointed. Without the communication skills to navigate this somewhat delicate topic, couples find themselves at the end of their rope and let go, or they stay together in a love life of despondency (often times seeking elsewhere for needs to be met).
Men have been conditioned to think of women as objects of desire, personal property to possess and control, and to do as they please for their pleasure with little regard to being concerned with her needs and wants. Women have been conditioned over time to simply ‘take it’, in silence, and be the receptacle of his release. She has been taught that her needs and desires are not important, let alone even an acknowledgement that they exist. She gives him what he wants when he wants it, and is here to simply give to him, without regard of her own needs. And while this description here doesn’t necessarily reflect the current cultural trends that are brimming with progression from this dire state of affairs (thankfully!), this underlying core conditioning is very much still operating in one way or another between many of the relationships happening in the world today, and we are all witnessing the deconstruction of relationships it is responsible for.
On a side note here, I want to share a great point that was brought up to me by a friend. He reflected to me about how in the bigger picture of our worlds relationship culture, it really is only relatively new that couples marry for love. In much of our more recent human past, up until a couple centuries ago, marriage’s were far less about love and everything about an alliance between families involving financial gain, prestige, and assets. I think this helps to give more understanding to why people in general are so lost in this realm of romantic love – we as a collective haven’t had much time to really understand ourselves within it, let alone master it by any means, or have many role models to help lead the way.
(here’s an article to give some brief history of the evolution of marriage, going back 4,000 years ago, http://theweek.com/articles/475141/how-marriage-changed-over-centuries)
From what I can see, the main topics that are needing to be strengthened between couples to help transform out of this old operating system are communication, the woman owning the role of the guide for her man, and bringing a sense of play, curiosity, and creativity into the bedroom.
Communication. It sounds so easy. Yet why is it that it is the hardest thing for people to do? Why is it that everyone can have sex, yet many people are so afraid to talk about it? Here’s an example of a dynamic that I have seen repeatedly come up in my working with clients in my coaching work: Woman has shut her man down to physical intimacy and has told him that she is no longer interested in sex. Man is scrambling and confused. What can he do? What can he say? She won’t give him a chance, she’s done. Little does he know, that this has been a process building in his woman for years. She is growing in her own personal strength, and out of respect for herself she can no longer give herself to receiving her man, because he is not considerate of her needs and wants, and she will not tolerate being his receptacle any longer. She has tried to tell him and teach him, but he won’t listen or try anything new. His ego is too attached to thinking that he knows all there is to know about how to please his woman.
Maybe he gets defensive. Maybe her communications aren’t clear. He feels defeated and rejected. She feels disappointed and uninspired. They are both hurt, disempowered, and unsatisfied. She gives up. It’s easier to just say she’s not interested and turn her sexual energy off, as by that point it’s probably a dried up well. She is aware on some level that in order to replenish she must detach from physical intimacy with him for some time, maybe even years. I have seen many clients in marriages of no sex, some for up to 14 years.
Women, there is a calling for you to step forward and embody your goddess, sexual priestess, loving teacher and compassionate guide. The men have been repressed too, they have forgotten the art of courting, sensuality, erotic play and pleasure. They look to porn for their education of how to be with a woman (and we know how misleading that has been), and they want more than anything, to rock your world and be all you want and need them to be. Their bodies are very different than ours, they need to be shown. They need to hear what women want and need. What does it look like? What does it feel like? What does it move and sound like?
Remember the game when we were kids, show and tell? Let them see you touch yourself in the ways you like to be touched. Let them show you how they like to touch themselves, as they also have body parts we don’t have and every man is different in how he likes to be touched. Make it fun! Be playful, it’s ok to laugh and be silly. Be creative! What would be really fun to include in your show and tell? A sliver platter of fruits, chocolates, sex toys, flower petals oils, to anoint and adorn your beloved’s genitals?
Women, bring your voices to the table; well, to the bed to be exact. Lovingly and compassionately, playfully, with warm invitation tell your partner how to love you. Be bold, be brave! Give a voice to your pussy and give your man a chance to take care of you and devour you. Give him a chance to show you that you can let go and surrender into him and soften so you can receive him fully. Be honest. What does and does not work for you? Be patient. He may default into what he is used to from the past, what he thinks works. Be compassionate and gentle. He wants to serve you. Yes, he does, so very much. And if you are certain that this is not the case, then that’s a whole other topic to address before approaching this one.
Men, listen. Really, presently, truly, listen. Slow down! Take your time. There’s nothing to rush when it comes to serving your woman. It’s not about making her come as soon as possible. Take your time, enjoy the journey. Give her time to enjoy the journey and relax into it. Give her an experience rather than a moment of pleasure. Don’t focus on the goal, focus on the journey. Listen to her words, her cues, her body language. Let go of what you think you know, and let your woman be your teacher to her body.
Ask questions! If you’re not sure, just ask. If you want to hear how she likes it, just ask. And along the way vocalize your love for her, for her body, and tell her that she is your queen and you are her king here to fuck her and love her and pleasure her in all the ways she desires and needs. Take your time. Listen. Take your time. Listen. Take your time. Listen. Let her guide you, encourage her to show you. Every woman’s body is different, every woman likes her own flavor of touch and affections. Let her show you what her preferences are.
And a main piece here – make time for physical intimacy that is not directly sexual. Make time, outside of sex, to massage her and hold her, gently caress her face, play with her hair, kiss her all over her body. While this may not be a sexual experience for you, believe me, it will fill her well so that when the time for sex does come, she has a full cup to share with you and it will be juicy and over flowing. This shows her that you are really here to love and support her, and want to share physical intimacy even outside of sex, which gives her even more security that she can fully give herself to you, soften, and receive your love completely. The more she trusts you, the more she feels she can open to you and let you in, the deeper you will be able to go with her, and the juicier sex you will have, leading your partnership to a place of solid fulfillment, trust, and love between you.
Bring a sense of play, creativity, and curiosity to your love making. Dance for each other, or do whatever kind of physical movement that feels fun to share with your partner for creative sexual visual stimulation. Read poetry together, sing a song, offer a blessing, play naked twister – whatever you can think of to bring some flavor to your sex. There’s more to sex than physical touching. There’s a whole realm of “energetic fluffing” that is lacking in the sex culture today.
Explore ways to make your partner feel special. Do meditation together. Buy him a thoughtful gift. Order her take out at the end of a long day. Leave each other love notes. Decorate your space with candles and flowers. Buy some special cordials or elixirs to share before love making. Dress up in something special, and then do a strip tease. Buy him his favorite dessert, and let him smear it all over your body and lick it off. Rent a hotel room for a night to enjoy fucking in another place outside your home.
I’m just giving ideas here to inspire you to think out of the box. Have fun with it! – Bring more fun into your fucking! Do something different once a week, or at the least once each month. Maybe take turns, where one person leads one night, and the other leads the next time. Sex can easily become routine in long term relationships. You have to put effort into maintain a healthy, nourishing, inspiring, fulfilling sex life. Treat it like an ongoing creative project with your partner and enjoy the honey nectar of that kind of intimacy. As a positive by-product you will both move out into the world with more radiance, confidence, and security, which will only lead to success in other aspects of your lives.
Women, it is most likely that you will be the one’s leading the show here. Men, for the most part, are not going to take the reigns on this one. Tune into yourself. What is your special way to inspire and share? What are your strengths in this arena? Not sure? Then it’s a great time to explore and learn more about what makes you special, what you have to offer, what brings you joy, what turns you on. Be edgy! What have you always wanted to do and never done yet? What areas of your inhibitions are you ready to dissolve and move beyond?
Does this make you nervous? Intimidated? A bit scared? Excellent! Let any feelings of discomfort be your friend and ally in this type of growth. Follow them and meet them face to face, and through them become an even more radiant and empowered version of you. Experiment! Play! Take a class or read a book or watch some videos if you need to learn some kind of movement, skill, or anything that will give you more tools to work with in however you want to craft your creative love sharing with your partner.
In general, WOMEN, you are the lead in this case. In whatever way you feel you want to be experiencing a style of love making with your partner that is not already happening, realize this: YOU ARE THE GATEKEEPER. You set the tone. You make the rules. The highly likely chances are, that your man is game! Even he meets your invitations with resistance at first, don’t let that stop you. Inside he is more than likely screaming “YES! I want that too!”, but he is facing his own internal blocks and conditioning that is tethering his sexual expression to a very flat prescribed construct of sexual morals, most likely based in a past of influence from organized religion. Women, use your voice! It’s the number one key to helping you, your partner, and your relationship rise to new levels of being, expression, and fulfillment. If you can’t talk about your sex, then perhaps devote some time for you to deeply consider why that is, since if that is the case, there is some inner work you have an opportunity to engage with, to uncover some precious gems laying dormant inside of you.
I believe this topic affects our world far beyond the bedroom. I believe this topic affects every aspect of the dynamics between the feminine and the masculine playing though us all (speaking in context to these energies existing in every human regardless of their physical sexual anatomy), in all aspects of our lives, in one way or another, every day. In my opinion, sexual intimacy in relationship is the most vulnerable way we are able to share ourselves with another person, and it is coupled with the ability to create new life. That is power. That power is responsible for all of creation in all of existence – sexual/creative energy.
If we can’t ask for what we want in the bedroom, how does it mirror the way we ask for what we want in other aspects of life? If we don’t feel our needs are being considered and honored during our sex, how does that mirror the way we go about getting needs met in our jobs, in our other relationships, or in our ability to meet our own needs? If we are not able to be curious and playful and exploratory in our love making, how does that reflect in our day to day ability to express these qualities? I question how shame and guilt, placed upon us throughout time regarding sexuality, has disconnected us from the way we fully engage the moment with a presence of innocence, confidence, receptiveness, and permission.
It is clear to me that women all over the world are beginning to wake up to this surge of feminine power moving through them, not only to bring strength to that energy, but also to balance, temper, and refine the masculine within, along with the relationships orbiting them. Noticing this movement brings a thrilling excitement to my heart. Watch out world! There is an unstoppable force of nature moving through, and while this topic of ‘bedroom culture’ is just one facet of the way this is developing, it sure is an enticing one to explore.